Something's missing

The weather was nice today. So beautiful for an end of November day. I put up the outdoor christmas lights and raked the leaves, pulled out the shovels, getting ready for the big day. The day its going to snow. Its long overdue, not that i am complaining, but really we have been blessed with a beautiful autumn. It was such a nice evening and the kids were waiting to be picked up by their father. He was late as usual. Thats when it started to go wrong for me. When i started to think about the fact that him seeing the kids is always at his convenience and never at a time when i can make plans for myself. So he ends up being a half hour late, the kids leave, and its as if i dont know what to do with myself. I mean, i cant go shopping, i cant really go anywhere, its 5:30.

I come in the house, make myself something to eat and decide im just going to read or lie down, chat, or surf. Thats what i did. That feeling of somethings missing usually creeps up on me. Sometimes when i am at a friends house, sometimes when im at a party , sometimes when im having fun , but mostly when im alone. Its a difficult feeling to explain to people, not that i have really ever tried to discuss this with anyone. I guess its just one of those things that people have to walk in your shoes to understand.

So as i write this, i still cant stop thinking about what is missing and tomorrow will be another busy day which hopefully wont allow me to remember whats missing.

and so the fun begins...........

Last night was no different than any other. I made supper while we watched the news and chatted about the news reports. The kids ate supper quickly while they once again complained about the amount of vegetables on their plates. One would think that being 12, almost 11 and 8 , they would stop complaining and just get to know the vegetables.........After supper, and a quiet evening (meaning i didn't have to yell at anyone for burping, farting , name calling or fighting), teeth were brushed. pj's on, i asked my kids to bring me their school agendas so that i could write a note to their teachers regarding about a doctor's appointment on Wednesday. The boys willingly brought their agendas, opened them up and i signed. Kristina, my soon to be teenager, brings me her agenda, and says OK, just sign here, never letting go of the agenda, holding on for dear life. As a parent,which was once a teenager and hid tons of stuff from my parents, lol, this behavior set off alarm bells in my head. After a few moments of tug of war with the agenda, i said, "i know your hiding something in there, i understand you may not want me to see it, but if you don't tell me what it is, i may be forced to tear your room apart looking for it". Her response was typical. She raised her voice and tried to convince me that it was nothing, there was nothing in there, she wasn't hiding anything.I decided to try some reverse psychology on her. I said "its OK, i will allow u to take what ur hiding out of the agenda, go, hide it and then bring it back to me". I waited...... I called her......no answer. I called her again to bring me her agenda. This time she handed it over willingly, i open it up to the page for absences and noticed that the previous notes i had written were not in the agenda. It looked to me like she had ripped a page out of the agenda. My thoughts were right, She explained that she had spilled some water on it, and the teacher told her to rip the page out so it can dry, but to make sure she puts it back in.HHHHmmmmmmmm......... OK so where is the page? You have to understand that Kristina is NOT the neatest person in the world, she may not even have a clue as to where that page is, lol. I call her on it, "Its in my locker at school" she says. "OK you make sure that page is in your agenda tomorrow afternoon, cause i will ask you to see it" I tell her. So I'm thinking problem solved, this is what she is hiding. I therefore proceed to writng the note in her agenda. To my surprise, I notice a note from the teacher , Kristina failed to do her homework, which required my signature. I was shocked. First because Kristina is a straight A student, has always been. She loves school and schoolwork. And second, every day when she get home from school at around 2:55, I ask "Do you have any homework?" More often then not, the answer is "nope, no homework". Now here i am staring down at this agenda with a note that homework was not done. This was not like Kristina, I was sure it had to do more with her disorganization and forgetfulness than not wanting to do homework. As i was about to put my signature on the paper, i noticed 3 other notes, nothing serious, but still, i read them. Two notes were for forgetting items in her locker, therefore not prepared for her class. And the other was for homework incomplete. Now, i quickly noticed that the last 2 signatures were NOT mine. I came to realize this must be what Kristina was hiding all along. I tell her, "these are not my signatures, did u sign them?" She denied that she had signed my name and proceeded to swear to god that she hadn't signed , that yes i had signed them , and they were my signatures. My patience was running thin, here is this 12 year old basically calling me a liar or more appropriately telling me that i have Alzheimer's! While all this time, she is standing strong, saying she was not hiding anything and she did nothing wrong. So i did what every parent would do in this situation, yes, I started with the threats. You know, if u don't tell me the truth right now, i will take away something u love? The ultimate parental threat, not at all the same as when we were growing up. Our threat was if u don't fess up, i will seriously beat the crap out of you. So Kristina, being the drama queen that she is, begins the waterworks. Head in her hands, crying, sobbing, loud. I had two options here, one would have been to turn into my she devil alter ego, which i do so well, lol, or two, remain firm and calm. I opted for the second choice, thinking maybe i could get through to her. So i said, "I was not born yesterday Kristina, I have been signing my name like that for the last 20 years, I KNOW this is not my signature, I KNOW that you forged it, so now I'm giving u a few minutes to pull yourself together and think about what you are going to tell me, cause this is the time when i am expecting an answer, not when your in ur bed , thinking, or feeling guilty, so before i finish finally writing this note and signing it i expect an answer or you will not be coming to see New Moon with us tomorrow".(That was the threat i was talking about). After she shrieked at my threat, and cried a little more, she gathered herself and explained. A month ago, she had forgotten an item in her locker, her teacher chose to write a note instead of allowing her to go get it.That night she forgot to get me to sign it,so a few days later, when her teacher asked to see agenda to make sure her note was signed, she panicked, and didn't want to get in trouble again so she decided she would forge my signature. Then a few weeks later, she again forgot something in her locker and again the teacher made a note in her agenda , now at this point she was afraid of me, so she tried to hide the fact that she had forged my name that first time, so logically, she thought, she would have to sign my name again. I guess she thought that she could easily escape telling me about it if she just continued to sign my name. She explained this is why she was hiding the agenda. I explained that trust is a very important and delicate thing, if i cannot trust her to tell me little things like this, she would have major problems with me if i thought she was lying about something else. I told her she is getting off, this time, but if this ever happens again, no more chances.........

As a parent you always wonder if you handled it right. I wonder what would everyone else had done........

The start to the week, Monday. I seem to have an issue with the beginning of the week, its sort of a mixed feeling day, good to be back in the routine but not really looking forward to it,lol. I always have trouble getting out of bed, no matter how many hours of sleep i got , or how early i went to bed, it just seems to be the way of the my world, since i was a teenager from what i can remember. The day starts with my kids screaming in the kitchen , for what , now, i can't remember, but i do remember blaring back "Its 6:00 in the morning, some people are still trying to sleep". The screaming stopped but now i was awake, i continued to lay in bed for another 45 minutes, thinking, trying to convince myself to actually get up and jump into the shower. Finally its done, showered, dressed and ready for the day. I am clearing the living room today, trying to make room for the Christmas tree and other decorations. Christmas, like most holidays are bitter sweet for me, sometimes fun and othertimes lonely.But thats another post, lol. Today starts the beginning of another week of my life, always with the hope that Friday will come quickly. Have a good one!

Ok, here goes.........

I love to write, sometimes the thoughts in my head are never ending.Sometimes the thoughts are good, others times sad, but still they are there. I have been looking for an outlet, a forum , a way to put these thoughts out there. A blog. Live, Love, Laugh. Its what life is all about for me. So with this blog I will try to share my experience of life and hopefully you too will share along with me.